You’ve probably heard this before, but take a minute right NOW, and think about your “story”. What is YOUR story? Think of all those things that have happened in your life. All the pleasurable experiences, all the challenging experiences. Bring forth it all. ….

Now, think of how all those things are showing up in your life right NOW.  How is the nickname that you were given when you were 5 show up now? How does the broken heart you had as a 14 year old when that certain someone didn’t notice you, affect your life, and the way you BE, now, today?

I realized how much I hide behind my story. I was bringing home C’s, while all my siblings were straight A students. This pegged me as the “not so smart” one. That story still has me stuck in certain areas of my life. I feel it’s grip when I attempt to accomplish something I have not tried before in my career. I very easily can just hide out and stay stuck in “no I am not smart” land.

It is a constant re commitment of  getting myself present to NOW, NOW,  NOW. To not get sucked into those stories again and again. Then to force myself to do it anyway. To do it from a place of  awareness and presence. No story, no stuckness.

I dare you. Think of yours. Think of how it stops you. Now don’t let it.

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There is much to do. I am not talking about a “to do list”, although there is that, of course. I am speaking more of all I’d like to do in my life. All I’d like to accomplish, or say that I did. Everything from long meditation retreats, to a crazy gambling weekend in in Vegas, to writing a book, to growing an incredible garden. There’s long hikes I’d love to explore, to places I’d like to visit (near and far). There are books to be read, and conversations to be had. Food I want to eat, and haircuts I’d like to try.  Classes I’d love to take, and languages I’d love to speak. But right now, I am not doing much of any of it.

I find myself judging myself a lot about that. Yet, I also am very okay with that.

Sometimes when I think of doing such things, there is a very real, genuine feeling and wanting to do, and often times it is just a looking for some kind of, oh, shall I say, drama. A searching for a feeling to sort of affirm life, to let me know I am A L I V E. A high, if you will.

Dare I say, it is what drives most of us to do things. Lots of things. Any and all things. And there is nothing wrong with that. I just know that I can’t really get the experience from doing anything. At least not a feeling that lasts. Because feelings don’t last. They pass like ships in the night or clouds in the sky.

I wonder if I will ever stop pursuing this feeling. Will I ever just be content. Will I ever be truely satisfied, and at peace, and have that last?

Don’t know.

All I know is that when I don’t think much about it, I am right now.

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I have been thinking about writing a book  for a long time now. I have lots written already, but it is all very scattered writings.  This morning I was contemplating  what kind of book to write. I felt very unsure, very uncreative, very stuck. I asked my husband what he thinks I should write, and if I should I even write one. This is how our conversation went :

Clint: Why do you want to write a book?

Jenn: Well, I want to be able to share what I have learned. I want to be able to share it with more people. Even more than that, I want for my kids to know what I know. I want to leave them with something.

Clint:  You do realize that the best way to share with people what you know is to live it. The best way to convey to our kids your wisdom, is to live every moment of every day in that way.

Jenn: Oh, right.

Good friends of ours are a couple whom both are marriage and family counselors have written many books. 3 I think. He told us that his children (whom are now grown up adults) have never read their books. They just haven’t. And they don’t expect them too. They just live and are in relationship with one another in a way that they would want others to live in.  They are married almost 30 years and are in love, and feel fulfilled, and that is what their books are about.

So, not sayin I wont someday bust out a book. Just sayin I am gonna keep checking myself, on whom I am being each and every moment. That is really what counts.

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‎”Your children express genetically whatever you repress. The purpose is to make sure that whatever you disown in your life, you attract into your life to learn how to own it so that you can be whole. Your children are designed to have a different set of values than you. You genetically gave it to them and their job is to make sure that any part of you that you haven’t loved and haven’t owned, they are going to push the button until you love it because you are going to love them no matter what and you have to learn to love that part of you that you ignored. So they are not here to be taught by you anymore than they are here to teach you. When you feel your buttons being pushed either by their actions or inactions; instead of reacting, reflect on the benefits of their traits to you and see how these actions or inactions serve you.” – dr. john demartini

This is exactly what has been going on between Coral and I. She just turned 7, yet she has been so clingy, and fearful, and anxious. She reminds me of me when I was young. I always wanted my mom. I cried  a lot. I was shy, quiet, and tentative. And yet I am having a really challenging time supporting her through this. One would think I could just jump into this role, and give her exactly what I always wanted, love, hugs, kisses, attention, comfort, unending kindness and patience. And I do, to a point. Since this has been going on for almost 2 months now, I am over it. My patience has worn thin, and the whole situation just bugs me. I know that sounds harsh, but it relates to the above quote. It totally triggers my stuff.  I was never taught to be gentle with myself, I was never taught to honor the feeling, give it space, give it love, to allow it to be there in me.  So of course it pisses me off.

The quote reminded me today to do just that with her, and maybe even more importantly, with myself. Notice where I get set off, notice where i feel lost and over whemled, and  acknowledge all those feelings on me. Then find the feelings in my body. Are they in my belly? chest? somewhere else? And put my hands there and connect with that part of me.

Tonight when she comes into my bed (which she usually does now) I will invite her in without a huff and puff. I will gently wipe her tears. I will hold her and love her. And I will know that as I do this for her, I will be doing it for my inner child as well. What a gift she is giving me, to find more softness in myself, to be more present, more loving.

I am grateful.

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